Dating as a first-generation immigrant in the 21st century can feel like dying a thousand tiny deaths.
The endless cycle of putting yourself out there: the awkward first date that goes nowhere, the amazing first date that also goes nowhere, the ghosting, the lack of interest and initiative in making meaningful conversations, the “fuckboy” tendencies—dating apps make Carrie Bradshaw’s quest for love look easy.
At least she had amazing, elite experiences meeting people in person. Most of our communication happens via texting and apps. #21st-centurydatingstruggles
Ah, digital platforms. I’d say Tinder and Hinge are like digital pimps, making users pay for their elite picks. The algorithm selects a handful of attractive men and women who check every box for what someone wants in a partner, then dangles their profiles in front of you. Want to click? Pay up.
We pay, we swipe, it goes nowhere. We have a mental breakdown, swear off dating, take a few months off… and then go right back.
Because it’s 2024, and we’re used to staying home.
Welcome to dating in the 21st century, where the expectations are either too high, or the person on your screen has a disappointingly low interest level.
Is finding love possible? Let’s find out. Join me.
But first—what even is L-O-V-E?
Falling hard in love at 23, before I got jaded, is my only experience of real love. Yes, I’ve felt affection over the past ten years and even developed deep feelings for a few great men along the way. But true L-O-V-E? That all-consuming, reciprocal, “I love your dirty socks” kind of love? Only once, at 23, when I knew nothing and hadn’t yet been knocked down by the disappointments of adult life. And that ended with our first real roadblock—him saying he thought he loved me but didn’t.
How Cultural Expectations Shape Modern Dating for South Asians
A quick backstory—I’m a South Asian first-gen immigrant in America, from an orthodox Brahmin family. Think: eggs are considered meat, my family’s social life revolves around temple visits, bhakti (devotional Hindu practices) is a daily occurrence, and my mom is fixated on caste when it comes to finding me a partner.
I’m not complaining. I love being Indian, and I’m an observant, practicing Hindu. I choose a vegetarian lifestyle. I was raised as if I were growing up in India, and though that caused conflict when I was a rebellious teenager, I’m thankful for it now. India truly is one of the world’s richest cultures.
But… it hardwired me to have a checklist. And other American Indians like me have their own checklists. At 34, I face the difficulty of most people in my circle being married, and I often don’t meet their criteria. Dating with cultural expectations while living in America adds a layer of complexity my American peers can’t even comprehend. I’ve tried dating outside my race, religion, and dietary preferences—it just doesn’t work for me.
The Challenges of Finding Love as a First-Generation Immigrant
“Dhoobi ka kuta na ghar ka na ghaat ka,” is a Hindi phrase that translates to “you’re neither here nor there.” For me, being stuck between two cultures has made dating harder. Indian American men still come with some old-school thinking and vibes I can’t fit into, men from India and I have certain compatibility issues, and my cultural upbringing can stop be from fully embracing someone from another culture.
In the last ten years, I’ve experienced rejection for things I can’t control: my body type, my “aggressive” personality, their parents won’t approve of me due to me being older or my family circumstances, or because “the vibes weren’t there.” Some reasons are valid, others, not so much. I’ve never gotten far enough with anyone to fall in love. It seems like one thing or another stops us from truly getting to know each other. And all of this experiences come from dating apps for South Asian women.
I’m no saint either—I’ve had my toxic moments. I grew up with all the insecurities of a fatherless girl raised by a tough mother who didn’t know what she didn’t know. She taught me nothing about what men truly want, need, or desire.
Now, at 34, I see dating through a lens of logic. I have mandatory requirements set in stone: height, salary, caste, religion, and diet. Dare I say I’ve taken on practically ALL of the first-generation immigrant dating challenges. And it has me questioning: Where is the Love?